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This was written closer to my most recent (22nd) birthday (October 2017), a year after this experience had happened (October, 2016). I am sharing this here as an addition to the psychedelic integration series I am working on.
Here it goes...
October 15th 2016,
I began by setting my intention which was to open the doors to a new experience (since it was my birthday). I had a statue of Ganesha, which I used as a catalyst to set this intention. I asked to remove all obstacles that hinder my growth. I smudged, did some inner work, and prepared the brew. I was making a tea and picked the mushrooms intuitively. Choosing a small dose to ensure clarity in the late afternoon. On my way to the park I tried to stay centered and focused on my surroundings... I felt the warm cup of tea in my hands and breathed in the fresh air. Once I arrived I spent some time going within before beginning to sip on the concoction.
At first, I start to feel a little giggly and still spent a lot of time focusing on my surroundings. A colorful bug flew down and landed by me which I spent time watching. Then I turned my focus to a squirrel that seemed as if he was bothered I was sitting under the tree. As if he/she wanted access to it. I decided to gather my things and move onto another location near by. During this time I happened to run into my partner's mom walking the dog, who scared off the squirrel. I spent some time chatting with her (she knew I was taking on this experience) then they went on their way.
After (re) settling myself into my new space, I began to have more intense closed eye visuals. The visions were vivid but were in and out of clarity. I could make out an image of the Mayan/Aztec calendar colored in red yellow and orange. The outer circle spinning counter to the inner circle. The image would switch between being very clear and full of detail, and then blurry again. It was as if I had impaired vision (even though my eyes were closed) but was doing my best to see the image clearly. This went on for awhile until I started to question the nature of the space I was in. I started to ask myself about what the purpose of this experience was, considering I couldn't even get a good look at what I was being shown. I eventually found my way into the fetal position with my eyes closed (which happens quite often during experiences), hoping that putting myself in a half dreamy state would broaden my visionary scope. Instead, my visions went from being very bright and colorful to dark and my thoughts began to take more precedence. I then started to find myself having an inner dialogue questioning the sanctity of my partner's experiences (his personal experiences with other dimensional beings), during this time I could see a row of Mayan or Aztec gods peering at me over each others shoulders. Their bodies were a mere silhouette while their eyes glowed red. I interpreted this as being "shunned" or shamed for having such thoughts. I then became aware of this unconscious thought pattern. Consciously I believed to be supportive of his experiences, yet in this moment I was seeing that has not always been the case. After some time I began to get off track and started thinking negatively about myself for having these thoughts unknowingly and felt conflicted in how to resolve this. As my thoughts would drift away I would pull them back to this space as if there was something I had to learn from this, questioning what this thought pattern was doing for me in the long run. This happened quite a bit during this part of the experience. I spent too much time wondering how I can integrate what I am experiencing, instead of going with the flow of the experience and letting the integration happen afterwards. It's something I do often during these experiences, as if I am worried that whatever it is I "learn" will be forgotten. So I scramble with my thoughts to hold on to whatever it was so I won't forget, which in turn ends up stalling the richness of the experience. This is something I do in my day to day life as well, as a part of my anxiety. It tends to come up quite a bit during these psychedelic experiences making me truly aware of the damage it's doing. But sometimes I get so trapped in these patterns I find it almost inescapable in these moments. I think that would be the biggest challenge I face during any psychedelic experience. The real work isn't to be done in those moments but lifelong, which is something I often forget.
Next thing I know a dog started sniffing me which startled me from this state, jerking me upwards. A man was nearby and made a joke about how his dog wanted to make sure I was okay. I muttered something about being tired and pet the dog in order to try and act as normal as possible while avoiding any further interaction with this man. Eventually him and his dog continued their walk while I sat there in a confused state about what I was to do next. I knew laying back down would generate more suspicion from other dog walkers so decided to stand up and fumble my way around the park. During this time I felt alienated. I started thinking of what it must be like to have to deal with associative symptoms on a regular basis, and that this must be what it felt like. The only difference was that I knew this experience was temporary, where for others this can be apart of their daily life. I no longer felt safe in this park, however it wasn't necessarily my physical safety I was concerned for, but my psychological. I couldn't bare to feel so isolated from the onlookers, worrying my every move would come off as frantic to those around me (even though those roaming the park could only be seen from a distance). I then decided to walk back to the house even though I wanted to originally spend my experience in the outdoors.
On the way back I spent most time gazing downwards at the sidewalk and dreading any potential confrontation with my partner's parents (even though they knew I was engaging in this psychedelic experience). I didn't want to give off the wrong impression of psychedelics by acting too "off." My mindset was clearly still disturbed by the experience with the man and his dog. Once I arrived, I swiftly made it into my room and lied down asking my partner for comfort. I then suddenly felt safe and supported once again. That feeling of isolation left as I lied in his arms and spoke about my experience, apologizing for the ways I have treated him. His energy seemed to match mine in this moment, responding the exact way I needed for this time. For most of this time I felt a motherly energy coming from him as if that's what I needed in the moment. And as I came out of it, for one of the first times I started to feel his male energy in a way that wasn't intimidating. An energy I felt connected too in an almost "brotherly" way.
After my partner had left the room to get ready for the nights events, I began to feel very light and fresh. Dancing in the room feeling so free. As if I was born again into a psychedelic odyssey. I felt my intentions of the experience had been fulfilled. And then interpreted all the previous malady as a sort of birth process. The feelings of lonely isolation that came to me in the park as being a lost child yearning to find its caregiver. And once reaching my partner's arms being nurtured back to that sense of childhood expression where I currently was, dancing without fear of judgement, of others but also of myself.
I continued to dance until it was time to go. Me and my partner's family were heading to a talk on entheogens (psychedelic plant medicines). During the car ride I felt minimal effects. I was still euphoric, and had difficulty not smiling. During the ride, my partner's parents began to discuss past experiences. Watching videos of the days my partner doesn't like to be reminded of, but that they want him to be. I've seen him become upset and couldn't help but feel that energy. I finally felt what it was like for him to be subjected to that from his parents. Before this moment I spent so much time focusing on what his parents felt I never got to truly feel how he did. How this seemingly small act made him feel rejected by his family. For once, I felt confident in supporting him rather than dismissing him.
Nothing significant had occurred for me the rest of the night and I was left confused about what I had experienced. The reason I got to writing this down awhile back is because I kept going back to it, trying to figure out its significance. There was a lot of confusion with the experience in terms of what I really got out of it because of the many different states I entered. I think writing this helped me see the experience in a new light, and how influential it was for my relationship. It has helped me empathize with the struggles my partner had faced throughout his transition, despite being trans myself. I look forward to writing more of these down, in hopes to rediscover more myself and the life around me.
This is an addition to a psychedelic integration series I will be writing. The point of writing these is mainly for myself to be able to review my past psychedelic experiences. My goal is that by doing so, I can reintegrate the lessons from these experiences into my life, and maybe even (re)discover something new or forgotten. I am posting these in order too help "find the others," by generating dialogue around challenging psychedelic experiences. Keep updated with new stories to come.