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My Girl

The struggle to stay sober.

I said goodbye to an old friend tonight. It’s the best and the worst friend I have ever had. Tonight was our last dance. Our last hurrah. Our last romp, if you will. But I had to let her go. Funny how I said her when clearly, I am into men. But that is how I see my friend. As female. Men don’t always make the best friends. But tonight, we were doing our last hangout. Our last session. She had been there through every relationship. Every high every low, my girl was there. But I realized that while my girl would motivate me, she gave me no follow through. Oh, she could spew ideas, but they were just blurts in her fogged perception.

But I am going to miss her. I’m going to miss the way she calmed me down when I thought I might explode. I’m going to miss the way she soothed me when I was stressed. I’m really going to miss the way she entertained me when I was BORED. When I was bored…I weigh 300 lbs. but I was bored.

Every motivational speech she perfectly articulated…she FORGOT when it was time to put it to use!

I missed countless opportunities to use my wit and intelligence to solve my problems, to give action to my opinion. She just kept telling me to calm down. Fuck it. Tomorrow's another day. What good does it do if you get mad? What can you do about it? I need to leave her alone and see.

But I really am going to miss her…

I remember when we first met. I was nerdy and nervous. In surroundings that were unfamiliar and crowded she provided me with the entrance into her cool circle. Yeah, she talked too much and kinda made me sick, but I still enjoyed her company. I enjoyed how she was so at ease and seemed to have it all together. I loved how she brought the room together and although nonsensical, at times it was always entertaining. She had a lot of friends and she affected each one differently. Some of her friends would sit quietly listening to music, feeling her presence but not really acknowledging her. Some were in animated conversations about everything from Tampax to the American revolution. With my trusted friend I was welcome in so many circles. With her as my guide, I was led to many different scenarios, all of them I fit into. Some of them I hated that I fit into. But she fit in everywhere.

Today I have to tell her goodbye. See, I’ve tried going a few places without her. I’ve tried accomplishing the goals she invited me to explore and I’ve learned a lot from her but I think I can take it from here…for awhile. It’s time that I get out on my own for awhile. It’s time.

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My Girl
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