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Funniest Celebrity Weed Quotes That Will Have You on the Floor Laughing

When you let presidents, actors, and athletes speak candidly about pot, you end up with the funniest weed quotes.

Millions of Americans have smoked marijuana, and plenty more don't smoke but are okay with both recreational and medical marijuana. That explains the broad appeal of the funniest celebrity weed quotes, which are often uttered by people not even intending to be funny. Instead, the origin of a lot of the quotes is just the expression of how frustrating and ridiculous it is that the chronic is illegal in the USA. In fact, nowadays most people agree that weed should be legalized. And we can all use a laugh when we're confronted with the absurd!

Ronald Reagan

"I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette is equal in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb blast."

Hahahahaha! This is one of my favorite celebrity weed quotes because Reagan is an idiot and an evil person! Oh, man. If there's a hell, that guy is roasting in it on a spliff spit being smoked by a giant demon chef who's basting Reagan in his own juices. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger

"That is not a drug, it’s a leaf."

You have to say it how Arnold would say it for it to have the full effect. And imagine him doing it while dressed as the Terminator, having just pulled up on a motorcycle, and taking his glasses off right before he says it. 

Bill Clinton

"When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t inhale and never tried it again." 

This is the weed quote that launched a thousand of the funniest weed quotes. Everyone has a take on Slick Willy claiming he didn't inhale. We've all seen the picture of Bubba and Hillary where they look like hippies. He studied philosophy! No way he wasn't hitting the doobs, while listening to The Doobies, and talking about how fartre Sartre is. Also, the key to doing an impersonation of BC is to always sound like you've just taken a hit off a bong and are trying to keep the smoke in just before exhaling. "Hillary, we gotta get to Mcdee's!" 

Barack Obama

"When I was a kid I inhaled frequently. That was the point." 

This is one of the quotes when read back to back with Bill Clinton's, "I didn't inhale," claim. Obama is legitimately funny, so of course, his take on pot is one of the funniest weed quotes. Likely sold with one of those classic Obama smiles. And you know those are genuine because Obama smiles with his eyes. Sigh. 

Katt Williams

"If you ain’t got a good job and you ain’t smokin’ weed, then I don't know what the fuck you are doin’ wit your life." 

A lot of the funniest weed quotes are about how weed makes boredom palatable, but none of them match the pithiness or delivery of Katt Williams. This is the sort of quote you can slap under a picture of the early bird catching the worm. What's the worm: job or weed? Same difference!

Megan Fox

"I hope they legalize it, and when they do, I’ll be the first fucking person in line to buy my pack of joints." 

Haha, as if Megan Fox would herself get in line to buy a pack of joints! Also, as if joints are going to come in packs in the same way cigarettes do! That'd be such a pricey pack of cigarettes! I bet, though, if she wanted to, Megan Fox could just walk to the front of the line, push the first person out of the way, and say, "I said a while ago that I'd be the first in line so here I am!" Also, the idea that people would be in line to buy pot the first time it goes on sale like they're in line to see Star Wars at 7 PM on a Thursday! Haha. One of the funniest weed quotes for sure!

Mitch Hedberg

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too." 

RIP Mitch Hedberg. He died on April 1st (2005 that is), and when it happened I thought it was an awful, cruel prank. But it was not. What made Hedberg so precious was that his act took the form of one-liners, but each joke was actually a peek into how he saw things. With this one joke about drugs, Hedberg delivered a quotable potable that any Comedy Central viewer will be able to recall for the rest of their lives, which makes this one of the funniest celebrity weed quotes of all time.

Danny Danko, Senior Cultivation Editor for 'High Times' Magazine

"If you grew up in the 60s or 70s, and didn’t do drugs, I don’t trust you."

Hahaha. All I can think of is terrible conservatives like Spiro Agnew, Ronald Reagan, and William F. Buckley, and all the awful shit they got up to. So, with this quote, it's like, "Yeah, man, 100% I don't trust those people!"

Danny Danko, Senior Cultivation Editor for 'High Times' Magazine

"If you grew up in the 60s or 70s, and didn’t do drugs, I don’t trust you."

Hahaha. All I can think of is terrible conservatives like Spiro Agnew, Ronald Reagan, and William F. Buckley, and all the awful shit they got up to. So, with this quote, it's like, "Yeah, man, 100% I don't trust those people!"

Martha Stewart

"Of course, I know how to roll a joint." 

This is 100% one of the funniest because it's maybe the weed quote with the most swag. The subtext is, "I'm Martha Stewart; I know how to roll the best joint." 

Mark Stepnoski, Offensive Lineman for Dallas Cowboys

"Why do I do it? Because I enjoy its effects. You know, I—why does anybody use any mind-altering substance, you know, because they like the way it makes them feel." 

This quote just feels so incredulous. Stepnoski seems dumbfounded by the question and his answer betrays as much. 

Michael Phelps

"I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old, and despite the successes I have had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me." 

Hahaha! This one is just so stupid. Phelps is basically a fish that walks on land. He's the most decorated Olympian of all time. He has 28 medals, including 23 gold medals, which is a record in and of itself. All of his success coupled with his marijuana consumption is evidence of how stupid criminalization is. So for him to be put in the position of having to apologize is beyond asinine. Will he take this back and become one of the Olympians who supports weed? We can only hope. 

Ricky Williams, Running Back for Miami Dolphins

"I got high, and forgot I wasn’t supposed to get high." 

Haha! This is one of the funniest weed quotes because Williams reveals a lack of respect for the moral outrage that far too many exhibit in regards to weed and a carefree spirit that's inspiring. Perfect in juxtaposition to Phelps's mea culpa about smoking la rocha. 

Nick Diaz, MMA Fighter

"For the record, right now, I think someone needed to come out and say it: I think smoking pot is good for mixed martial artists. It’s a new day and age, this is, uh, the year…fuck year is it? I don’t know, because I’ve been training and smoking pot like I should, instead of paying attention to other bullshit, which I don’t do."

Diaz delivers a TKO with this humdinger. We just don't need criminalization and anyone who's in favor of it is willfully ignorant and causing nothing but harm to others. Out with the old, in with the weed!

Rihanna

One of best celebrity weed quotes isn't communicated with words; it's just this look that Rihanna gives to her joint. Add the line, "Find someone that looks at you the way Rihanna looks at weed," and you get the most romantic weed quote. Weed memes like this are often found in the Twittersphere, and there are more than enough weed Twitter accounts to follow to get you through the day. 

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