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Anatomy Of An Active Stoner

Weightlifting the stigma away, one rep at a time.


5:30 am

The sky pisses rain this morning. Thunder roars over a quiet city sound asleep after a night of Friday spree. I drink a liter of lemon water with sea salt before sitting down to roll a king-sized cone of finely ground Super Silver Haze, an excellent piece of botany delivered by my trusted sales representative.

Sativas are better for the morning, just like eating the right breakfast strategy. I avoid the heavier couch-binding indicas if I want to have a productive day, but indulge by all means if your goal is to wake and bake then watch movies. Everybody needs nondoing days, especially fitness addicts like me.

The cerebral enrichment of a sativa creates a fresh layer of thoughts that blend to my mind train harmoniously, like listening to the same radio channel on a better sound system.

I love mornings now, but this is a relatively recent development of my human experience. Younger accounts of myself would tell you a different story: I hated waking up early, whether it was to go to school and work or play sports. My brain felt heavy of fog, and most of my day's negative thoughts surfaced the moment my eyes opened. The weight of negativity is bound to anchor anyone to bed.

My dog gets impatient, but I can't blame the guy. Imagine some asshole blocked your bathroom first thing in the morning when your bladder is pushing out of your ears just because he wanted to roll some dope. I lick it up fast, throw on my Under Armor hoody and step outside with the pooch.

Saturday mornings are my favorite. Take a walk in the city anywhere between four thirty to eight am if you ever want to hear what quiet sounds like amongst millions of people. The streets are dead, except for the few tradesmen and motivated joggers. You might catch a glimpse of after-hour club enthusiasts heading to the next rave and some walk of shamers if you get lucky.

Reactions to the sight of a two hundred and some pound male dressed head to toe in workout gear holding a boxer-rottweiler in the one hand and King sized joint in the other tend to vary. Most people fail to notice, even though a cloud of strong smell follows me everywhere I go, my sports apparel seems to divert their attention away. Cognitive dissonance is real; some people cannot fathom how any healthy human would ever consider lighting the devil's grass willingly.

Runners tend to judge the most, which is ironic considering they opt to perform long bouts of low-intensity exercise that favors the increased consumption of oxygen as an energy source inside a giant cloud of smog, but my damn hippie brain could be messing with my logic.

Today is a rainy day, however, and even the most inspired jogger has taken the morning off. I toss the finished joint in the nearest public ashtray and walk the dog uphill and down for another half hour, hit up an empty dog park to let that energizer bunny run, then head home. Solitude is bliss sometimes.

I drink another glass of lemon water blend, then make a pot of fair-trade coffee from my good friends in Nicaragua. The Ambrosia does little regarding energy for my body, a condition I blame on my early twenties lifestyle and an excessive consumption of NOS energy drinks to keep me awake through the school system. Coffee is a reliable source of insoluble fiber, although you would need seventeen cups to reach your daily requirement. The delicious taste of a warm morning brew allegedly repairs damaged DNA and helps out your liver too, according to recent science.

People tend to omit the benefits and focus on the negatives of substance instead, which often end up extrapolated from highly subjective, case by case kinds of situations, either from rodents in a lab or isolated portions of the population. Data gets collected through questionnaires from which researchers calculate dubious statistics and associations, and that can be dangerous, especially when the media and government get involved. Look at the dietary fat fiasco.

The same goes for the benefits too so I have to be careful. The best way for me to formulate an opinion is by applying the scientific method, so I ask myself: How does this particular substance impact my life and body?

Then I collect the data, as any real scientist would.

9:30 am

My stoner brain has meditated twenty minutes, exercised, planned my day, read a healthy mixture of scientific and fiction and written a few pieces of content for my business and pleasure by the time the average person wakes up from their half zombie snoozed out morning state.

I shit ice cream-like pooh twice a day before 11 am, fall asleep at 9:30 pm to wake up at dawn and have maintained a sub eight percent body fat percentage for last five years. I perform three to five workouts of compound exercises like squats, power snatches, and chin-ups with regular mobility or postural drills every week, and I have never felt stronger, so supple, and healthy as I do now, but that's just me. This outcome may not apply to your body.

Does this make me an invicible human? Far from it, but my current set of data shows daily consumption of health public enemies like marijuana, black coffee, and red meat has improved my life tenfold since my sleepless troubled youth.

This series of articles will be for the active functional stoners who are tired of the social stigma surrounding weed, for those who struggle to develop healthy habits, and for all the morally superior hypocrites of this world. Watch me thrive, or see me crash, only time will tell.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a leg workout coming up with several sets front squats, and glute ham raises on the menu.

You can read Innovation and Its Enemies by Calestous Juma until my next post, which discusses the redundant resistance to innovation throughout history. Did you know coffee consumption was once punishable by death because the king feared the substance would entice a revolution?

What a surprise. A ruling entity opposes something that feeds the population's mind and makes it highly illegal - Classic humans.

Disclaimer: This is not a promotion of marijuana as a solution for anything nor an invitation to partake, but rather a demonstration that a healthy optimal lifestyle can include smoking up.

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