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There are certain aspects of the "first time you smoked weed" experience that are near universal. Pot smokers can look back and laugh on times when they had too much ganj', felt like they'd figured everything about life out, or the sense of camaraderie that comes when you're relaxed enough to really feel the love between friends.
That's why the specifics of my life when I first got high—comedian, philosophy major, journalist—don't get in the way of other weed enthusiasts recognizing themselves in my experiences. Here's what it was like the first few times for me to get high.
Sorry I coughed into the bowl and sprayed pot everywhere.
"What was it like the first time you smoked weed?" Well, I didn't realize that getting high might make me cough and that if my mouth was still around the pipe that I'd end up coughing weed all over the place. Pretty funny though, right? Like when Woody Allen sneezed into all that cocaine in Annie Hall! Also, thank you for lighting the pipe and just holding it in front of my face because I keep burning my fingers. You guys are my best friends!
This brownie isn't working.
This classic edible mistake will prompt many experienced pot smokers to mouth, "Oh no!" because they know what's coming. It's always soon after the edible kicks in that you realize how terrible of an idea it was to consume more of it.
If something like this edible mistake happened to you the first time you smoked weed, it might go real bad real quick. So, hopefully you have a good guide to navigate you through this journey because there's a good chance you're about to become unstuck from space and time like Billy Pilgrim in Slaughterhouse-Five.
If you're lucky, though, you'll achieve oneness with all human beings at the same time and find yourself asking, "How am I supposed to know which body to come back to?" That's a feeling you can carry with you for the rest of your life to maintain compassion for all people.
No one else can tell that I'm high!
Ding! That sound I just heard was the sudden realization that smoking weed got me high. And this house just doesn't have enough snacks for a couple of high boys like us! We're making our way to the QuickChek down the street and not one person we've passed has any idea that we're high.
This is a feeling you remember from the first time you smoked weed for sure. It's like being in a secret club that anyone can enter at anytime just by consuming marijuana and it makes everything feel more vibrant and alive. Why would you not want to be a member of the high club?! Also, I WANT TO EAT ALL OF THE SNACKS IN THIS STORE!!!
It's not cool to turn this into a corrective emotional experience!
I get that smoking pot can lower inhibitions and ya'll are curious about my personal life but this is not an opportunity to play psychologist. Stop asking me these questions! You're making me so uncomfortable I want to jump out of this car while it's moving just to get away from your questions.
It feels like I'm dying just to be telling you what I'm telling you right now. OH NO, THE PAINFUL MEMORY HAS BEEN SAID OUT LOUD. What do you mean it's not a big deal? I'm a completely different person now! Wow. Never do this again even though this altered the course of my life for the better. Did you not get changed forever the first time you smoked weed?
Has there ever been a positive depiction of a mummy?
Sometimes Draculas are secret good guys. And then there's Blade. We can have sympathy for the plight of a wolfman and for zombies. But what about mummies? They're always bad. What if a mummy was a cop? WHAT IF A MUMMY WAS A COP?! Okay, follow me on this. It's called Undercover Mummy. It's 21 Jumpstreet meets The Mummy, and the mummy only speaks in grunts.
And when he shows up in school he ends up having to put up with bullying, and we see him handle it with so much dignity that we find ourselves empathizing with the mummy! Also, he's a cop, so he has to break up a drug ring. But they're into more serious drugs than just pot. Undercover Mummy is a cop that's cool with smoking weed. He shares a joint behind the school with the burners.
Did you not come up with such brilliant movie ideas the first time you smoked weed?
OMG this Nine Inch Nails album is so good!
Trent Reznor is such a genius. He takes so long between albums because it takes so much for him to put his feelings into the music. There's so much going on in each song that you can listen to them over and over again and always find something new. All the attention to detail is an expression of the anxiety he feels. Is Trent Reznor anxious just like I am? OMG. My mom also listens to Nine Inch Nails. Is my mom anxious like I am?! It's like music is a language that exists between all of us at the same time. Whoa. The guitar on this song sounds like something Prince would play. "Ah With-ah Teeth-ah!"
If you didn't listen to music the first time you smoked weed you did it wrong.
Is this a real oil change place or are these guys cops?!
A cop uniform is as much an article of clothing as a Jiffylube employee's uniform. Underneath is just a person. There's nothing inherent to any person that makes them a cop or a Jiffylube employee. It's just clothes. And you can put on different clothes and still be the same person. Are these guys cops in Jiffylube uniforms?!
Is this their way of checking people for pot? They take the car apart and see if there's pot anywhere. Am I drug dealer?! I can't tell what's going on; I shouldn't have eaten that entire Cheeba Chew. "Oh, hey, can you show me the air filter?" Are those debris or buds? That's a lot of whatever it is! Must be real satisfying to clean up a dirty thing like that. Oh yeaaaaaaah. Clean. It. Up. Oh oh! You're staring for too long. It's suspicious. Say, "Nice," and walk away. Go back to the waiting room and sit down. That was a close one! They have no clue that just an hour ago you were lighting the pipe and getting high.
If you didn't have these concerns the first time you smoked weed then good for you!
This Burger King tastes so good!
It's like each bite has the perfect amount of cheese, tomato, pickle, and beef to taste like something greater than the sum of its parts. I never want to leave this place. This seat feels so good on my ass. Uhhhhhh it feels so good to be high. I never want this to end. GIVE ME FRIES! After the first time you smoked weed you'd know just how the munchies feel.
I totally get Sartre and Heidegger now.
Wait a minute: when Sartre is talking about the for-itself seeking to be its own foundation he's describing the feeling of anxiety. It totally connects to Heidegger's conception of Dasein as a being that is concerned with its own being. One of the inescapable aspects of our thrownness into the world is that we're concerned with ourselves. But it's automatic.
It's already happening. That's what makes it our thrownness! We're always thinking. It's as automatic as the beating of our hearts. But if these thoughts are just going to be in my head irrespective of my say in the matter that means I am under no obligation to claim them as my own. I can just let myself think an anxious thought and make nothing of it. OMG I HAVE SOLVED EXISTENTIALISM! Did you not do that the first time you smoked weed?
I am ready for this to be over.
I smoked this pot expecting it to wear off but what if I stay high forever?! I want this to stop. It has to stop. You can't be high forever after the first time you smoked weed. It has to stop, and I want it to stop now! I got stuff to do. Am I still high? I'm not high. No. Am I high? No. Am I?! No. How could I possibly not tell if I'm high or not?! I must still be high because I've never wondered while I'm sober if I'm sober or not. wait, that was a very sober thought. Am I getting more high?! No, I must be coming down. Alright. Cool. I already think sense is something the mind imposes upon the world so there's no reason for me to be lighting the pipe again. I don't need to be one of the pot smokers to appreciate music or a bad movie. It's settled, then: no more getting high for me....till the next time!